have you ever had those moments?
moments when you are scared out of your mind; afraid of something that you know is necessary, yet try to push it off as far as possible because you aren't quite ready to meet those realities; to face those fears; moments that make you feel small. moments that seriously hurt; you feel like you can hardly breathe. and yet, in these moments, you know that you are exactly where you need to be despite the cruelty heartache & loneliness bring. moments when you have to face yourself; head on. moments when you realize that you really aren't okay. moments when you realize just how hard you've been on yourself. moments when you realize that you are not in control. moments when you realize the very best thing for you is to be alone, yet at the same time the very idea of being alone is the one thing you fear the most. moments when the one person you want to comfort you and turn to in the midst of all of this is no longer the person that can be the one that helps.
so maybe i'm being too open right now; too honest. but this is reality for me. this is current. and i've been sitting here for quite some time trying to focus, trying to get work done and for the life of me i have not been so successful in clearing such thoughts from my head... i hurt.
and in spite of all of this, there is some glimmer of hope. there is a silver lining. because most of the time, when you face your storms head on, there is something beautiful that happens once you've made it through. there is beauty in pain; there is a redemption story being written here. the very things that scare us could possibly be the very things that cause us to become stronger, better, wiser; beautiful. there is this purification process; this refining thing that must occur and oh is it ever happening right now and as much as i want to turn around right now, run from it and go back to the time before these moments started occurring i know that this is something i must do.
so in these moments that terrify me. in these moments when i do not want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep to avoid all of the ugly moments that are waiting for me around the corner, i know that i can't give up because there is so much more waiting for me at the end of all of this. something absolutely beautiful. and for now it is better for me to wait on those things than to rush and have it now.
"Lord, today You know what I need to do,
but You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.
So I won't run anymore,
I'm waiting on You."