comfort.

I've currently been enjoying this book on my lunch breaks over the past couple of months. i am thankful that when i have picked it up, it is exactly what i needed to hear that day or week. i was encouraged by the truth of what i think my problem has been lately. if you've been on here, you might have seen little venting sessions of my frustrations. i've been struggling a lot lately, trying to really pin point the root of my issues... then this word spoke straight to my heart and called me out... 

"...we spend too much time meditating on ourselves, our work, our growth. We have little hope for change because our hope is grounded in ourselves, in ho we're doing, in whether God is proving his love by granting us every trifling desire or delivering us from heartbreaking trial. We've been deceived into believing that his love is passe, something we've already comprehended. It bores us." 

I've been doing a weight training program and am currently halfway through. while it's been a process, i've seen results which push me to keep on persevering. earlier this year, i basically gave my life to clean eating and again, the results have shown the benefits of such a lifestyle. discipline and self-control have been the name of the game for me in 2012. while i'm definitely not perfect, i have for the most part, learned how to really be good at it. yet, when it comes to my relationship with Christ, i have had the tendency to treat it as such. a program. a step by step formula of exercises (going to church), and eating a healthy diet (random verses of the day, motivational christian type quotes, etc.).  i end up leaving my 'quiet time' frustrated and restless. umm hello, this is not at all how relationships work! love is not a formula. but for some reason, i continue to treat it as such. and i have been reminded how much my mentality continues to rearrange the Gospel.

like i said before, i need reminders of the most simplest truths constantly. this all might be obvious for a lot of you. and there's no doubt that i too know such things, but as a list maker, box checker, and full blown planner of my days, i've grown into this habit of pretty much depending so much on myself to change; to grow. my life has been in my hands, and my hands alone; i have been in control instead of letting Christ pursue me and lead me into a relationship that changes me. i hope, if you are like me, that you can find comfort in the truths of these words; let go of the control, the planning, and the formulas.

let Love change you.

thoughts & a quote...

after that last post, i definitely feel so much better. there's something so relieving after getting all the junk out that's been stuck inside of you. sort of like throwing up...yay? i'm feeling much better now even though my situation is the same. i still wake up at the butt crack of dawn and work my butt off 6 days a week, but there's something that i think i was missing before...i failed to keep in mind how proud of myself i should be. sometimes life will be tough, but that's not always going to be the case. sometimes the hardest things are worth all the fight we put into it.  as obvious as this truth might be, sometimes i need a little bit of a pep talk to get my head back on straight. so a big shout out and thank you to my sweet man who sent me these words of encouragement:

"I know this is hard but trust me, 

it will feel great when we finish because we followed through on our commitment 

and didn't quit when it got difficult, 

but instead rose up, dug deep, and persevered. 

And that builds character. 
I couldn't be more happy or proud that we are doing this together.

 Thank you for inspiring and encouraging me to do great things!"

so despite myself and my negative attitude monday, i want to encourage you in whatever you might be facing today. that whatever situation you are going through, no matter how ugly and dark it might be, you are not alone. sometimes the most beautiful things in life come from the hardest moments we have ever had to face. so keep your chin up and press on to finish this race. i saw this quote floating around and thought i'd share in light of everything...be strong! 

re-evaluating + time

i started my current job January 2011 and it took me until possibly this August to really find some sort of real structure; mostly re-arranging my life to dodge traffic. i hate traffic. it makes me want to cuss; really bad. i hate feeling stuck. YAY for working 38 miles from work!! who is with me??

SO, i finally got my game planning on, created a plan for literally every precious little second of my day. God help me if anything spontaneous were to occur in the midst of my plans... i need therapy; i know. i was so proud of my little plan when it all finally came together:

5:30-6:30 am- get ready (sister's got a lot of hair to dry!)

6:30-6:50 am - cook/eat breakfast; pack lunch

8:00-5:00 pm- work work work

5:30-7:30 pm - gym time/theonlytimeigettoseemyboyfriend!

8:00 pm-dinner/walk Oakley

9:00 pm-shower/try not to pass out

10:00 pm -bedtime

when did i become this structured?

i miss spontaneity.

i've been told how great it is to manage my time; and i guess i would say for the most part i really enjoy knowing exactly what i need to do and when to do it.  it's nice to be able to fit things in to my day; the feeling of checking things off my list is nice. i should be proud of myself, right?

in the past year or so i have become...

a professional clean eater

a cook (aka follower of recipes)

started a weight training program (halfway through!)

never have i ever been this disciplined. .

i wake up before the sun rises

i go to bed early

i clean and organize constantly (i really enjoy this, i promise!)

i hardly eat out anymore.

i don't shop.

at the end of the day i am probably the most productive girl on the planet. however, i feel dried out; spent, unenthusiastic, hardly inspired, i'm not as laid back as i used to be and my entire body is sore 24/7.

 i miss watching TV and i really really miss those days when you could hang out with friends during the week; yeah...i didn't really plan for any of that.

 gosh, i know i sound like a big annoying complainer right now, but i'm just exhausted from trying to make myself feel happy in the midst of all of these really productive/self-improving days. i keep telling myself that it's all a mentality thing; "just change your attitude, Tina!" 

BALANCE. 

i yearn for that. 

i long for a break. 

i am not enjoying this season. 

and i want to.

i honestly thought that in creating such a time-managed schedule that balance would fall right into place.  but somehow i missed it in between traffic dodging and muscle building.

so here i am, asking how on earth can one find balance?

because when i was a kid

 i remember that aesop's fable story of the hard working ant and the lazy grasshopper

 and  i think i'm just trying so hard to not be the lazy grasshopper that instead i've turned 

into a giant grumpy queen ant. 

and i don't want to be grumpy. 

so i'm here, venting & asking for advice. 

i want to be a happy ant who gets to enjoy this season of fall goodness.

a new day

it is such a beautiful thing to watch the Lord work immediately. 

for him to deal directly and so purposefully . 

to have the eyes to be able to acknowledge that  it was Him & not mere coincidence. 

so reassuring to see His sovereignty at work. 

i'm currently so thankful that in such a short time after  surrendering & having  a good calling out  how the Lord so tenderly  places situations of affirmations all around me. 

how he's used friendships,

 very old & dear ones and some very new & already so sweet ones; 

how he uses parables to remind us of his intent to pursue us.

how he longs for us.

thankful for this new day. 

this new season. 

{source}

the battle.

...

...

a lot of days during my week i struggle with allowing myself to really rest in the Lord and the promises of his Word.  quite honestly & regretfully, this past year has really seemed like a million steps backwards in my relationship with Him. so to sit and picture what resting in him really looks like has started to become blurrier the more i choose to fight this battle on my own. 

i'm stubborn. 

others might say i'm too hard on myself or that i don't give myself enough credit and yes, i admit that i tend to be hard on myself. i agree that there is a line that is easily crossed in being very legalistic, trying to earn grace.  but my being stubborn has more so to do with my daily choice to do things my way... and of course, when things get sticky, i hit my palm to my forehead, pray hard, cry a little, and say i'm going to start all over again, get back to my commitment, all the while, still choosing to do my own thing.. so you see, it's disobedience, really. because i know that perfection is unattainable; i am very aware of that.  while i know perfection is not the name of this game, excellence and Christ-likeness should be what i strive for. but sadly, there has been no evidence of my faith, no fruit of any type of labor. no sacrifice. just pure self indulgence. idolatry at its finest. non-trusting carelessness.

and God, he is so very gracious in his sovereignty. to choose to love me daily, despite the foolishness i continue to display. and to see scripture like this, time and time again, baffles me. to know that there is someone fighting FOR me; fighting despite me.  it's romantic, really. 

and oh, how i really, truly long to be back to where i was in my relationship with Christ. how ugly i feel for having admitted any of this; to have fallen backwards. 

i miss him. i miss the devotion; the assurance that i'm still in the race. 

i miss the pureness of life. 

i almost feel like solomon, having tried a little bit of everything and coming to the conclusion that life is meaningless without Christ. no amount of activities, no physical condition, no amount of money, no amount of friends, no type of clothes in my closet, no relationship. nothing, absolutely nothing compares to the richness & fullness of life that is in Christ. i have tasted & i have seen.

nothing else satisfies. 

i hope that this sort of venting keeps me accountable. that i re-read this a million times to remind myself of these very words. sometimes it takes getting this all out on 'paper' to sort out the chaos in my head. 

-tina

current jam.

source

this song has gotta be one of my favorite anthem type songs. you know, songs that cause you to almost scream "amen" to every word, fist pump in the air, or do a little drum beat on the steering wheel?  i heard the most beautiful acoustic version of this song this morning and fell in love with it all over again. the lyrics are so true for me in so many different ways that i'd probably have to write an entire essay just to explain how. i'm convinced that there's nothing better than finding a song (or two) to really relate to during a new season in life. there's something so relieving when every word, sentence, thought seems to be saying all the things that you have been feeling, allowing an opportunity to really summarize and make sense of all the clutter that has been piling up for days. there's just something comforting in the fact that someone somewhere else has felt these very same things you have been feeling; something sentimental in knowing you aren't alone in your experiences; a healing there that reaches your soul! i am in a place right now where there is much i want to say, but have learned that sometimes just because i feel like saying something doesn't necessarily mean that i should for the time being. and while i realize that maybe posting all of this really contradicts my last statement, i couldn't help but share this song anyway and you know....vent, of course. so thank you in advance for taking the time to digest some of my random thoughts.

-C

on being still.

if you've stopped by this week, then you may or may not have caught on to the fact that i have had sort of a rough week to say the least. so you can imagine how thankful i am that it is so close to being the weekend and a chance to sort of have some ME time. one of my biggest weaknesses is that i do not know how to naturally be still and stop to reflect on things. i have the tendency to put myself last and keep myself busy with plans, errands, crafting, laundry, you name it.... always the need to do something other than deal with myself. 

can i get an amen? 

i've realized how terrible it is to do that to myself in the long run. to not give myself any type of soul maintenance. to not love myself enough to stop and be still and really care about me. always, i live to please everyone else. while i believe that i was created to love others and live sacrificially, i don't think that ever meant to push myself so far off of the road.

so my goal this weekend, and hopefully consistently, is to spend some time being still; to meditate on the Word and how it applies directly to me without anyone else's opinions tied to it. to let It tell me who I am instead of letting everything else in this world dictate these things to me. to care about myself enough so i can learn to really love myself and in fact love others better. 

here's to loving yourself enough to be still. 

have a happy, take care of yourself, weekend! 

.::christina::.