Monday, July 30, 2012

the battle.



a lot of days during my week i struggle with allowing myself to really rest in the Lord and the promises of his Word.  quite honestly & regretfully, this past year has really seemed like a million steps backwards in my relationship with Him. so to sit and picture what resting in him really looks like has started to become blurrier the more i choose to fight this battle on my own. 

i'm stubborn. 

others might say i'm too hard on myself or that i don't give myself enough credit and yes, i admit that i tend to be hard on myself. i agree that there is a line that is easily crossed in being very legalistic, trying to earn grace.  but my being stubborn has more so to do with my daily choice to do things my way... and of course, when things get sticky, i hit my palm to my forehead, pray hard, cry a little, and say i'm going to start all over again, get back to my commitment, all the while, still choosing to do my own thing.. so you see, it's disobedience, really. because i know that perfection is unattainable; i am very aware of that.  while i know perfection is not the name of this game, excellence and Christ-likeness should be what i strive for. but sadly, there has been no evidence of my faith, no fruit of any type of labor. no sacrifice. just pure self indulgence. idolatry at its finest. non-trusting carelessness.

and God, he is so very gracious in his sovereignty. to choose to love me daily, despite the foolishness i continue to display. and to see scripture like this, time and time again, baffles me. to know that there is someone fighting FOR me; fighting despite me.  it's romantic, really. 

and oh, how i really, truly long to be back to where i was in my relationship with Christ. how ugly i feel for having admitted any of this; to have fallen backwards. 
i miss him. i miss the devotion; the assurance that i'm still in the race
i miss the pureness of life. 

i almost feel like solomon, having tried a little bit of everything and coming to the conclusion that life is meaningless without Christ. no amount of activities, no physical condition, no amount of money, no amount of friends, no type of clothes in my closet, no relationship. nothing, absolutely nothing compares to the richness & fullness of life that is in Christ. i have tasted & i have seen.
nothing else satisfies. 

i hope that this sort of venting keeps me accountable. that i re-read this a million times to remind myself of these very words. sometimes it takes getting this all out on 'paper' to sort out the chaos in my head.