Monday, September 17, 2012

re-evaluating + time

i started my current job January 2011 and it took me until possibly this August to really find some sort of real structure; mostly re-arranging my life to dodge traffic. i hate traffic. it makes me want to cuss; really bad. i hate feeling stuck. YAY for working 38 miles from work!! who is with me??

SO, i finally got my game planning on, created a plan for literally every precious little second of my day. God help me if anything spontaneous were to occur in the midst of my plans... i need therapy; i know. i was so proud of my little plan when it all finally came together:

5:30-6:30 am- get ready (sister's got a lot of hair to dry!)
6:30-6:50 am - cook/eat breakfast; pack lunch
8:00-5:00 pm- work work work
5:30-7:30 pm - gym time/theonlytimeigettoseemyboyfriend!
8:00 pm-dinner/walk Oakley
9:00 pm-shower/try not to pass out
10:00 pm -bedtime

when did i become this structured?
i miss spontaneity.

i've been told how great it is to manage my time; and i guess i would say for the most part i really enjoy knowing exactly what i need to do and when to do it.  it's nice to be able to fit things in to my day; the feeling of checking things off my list is nice. i should be proud of myself, right?

in the past year or so i have become...
a professional clean eater
a cook (aka follower of recipes)
started a weight training program (halfway through!)

never have i ever been this disciplined. .
i wake up before the sun rises
i go to bed early
i clean and organize constantly (i really enjoy this, i promise!)
i hardly eat out anymore.
i don't shop.

at the end of the day i am probably the most productive girl on the planet. however, i feel dried out; spent, unenthusiastic, hardly inspired, i'm not as laid back as i used to be and my entire body is sore 24/7.
 i miss watching TV and i really really miss those days when you could hang out with friends during the week; yeah...i didn't really plan for any of that.
 gosh, i know i sound like a big annoying complainer right now, but i'm just exhausted from trying to make myself feel happy in the midst of all of these really productive/self-improving days. i keep telling myself that it's all a mentality thing; "just change your attitude, Tina!" 


i yearn for that. 
i long for a break. 
i am not enjoying this season. 
and i want to.

i honestly thought that in creating such a time-managed schedule that balance would fall right into place.  but somehow i missed it in between traffic dodging and muscle building.
so here i am, asking how on earth can one find balance?

because when i was a kid
 i remember that aesop's fable story of the hard working ant and the lazy grasshopper
 and  i think i'm just trying so hard to not be the lazy grasshopper that instead i've turned 
into a giant grumpy queen ant. 
and i don't want to be grumpy. 

so i'm here, venting & asking for advice. 

i want to be a happy ant who gets to enjoy this season of fall goodness.